My Fantasy

Over the years, I have created many fictional characters to help me cope with loneliness and pain. The most recent one that I created was when I was with Jo.

I created Maxim, a guy who I met on the beach while I was recovering from a heartbreak. Spend 2 wonderful months together, travelling around South East Asia before he returned to New Zealand. Both of us, nursing from a heartbreak, mine from a failed relationship and his, from the death of his beloved parents, found solace in each other.

I have had every detail of our relationship plotted out from the start till the end. The things that we will do together, the life that we will lead, the intimacy that we share and even the problem that will arise. These fantasies are my escape and they helped me through my sleepless nights.

But, it has been a while since I last entered my fantasy world.

Choices in life

I've been driving on the road for a really long time now, having no destination. I drove around aimlessly hoping that I would stumble upon an exciting and fun path. Made some really wrong choices along the way.

Most path were taken to avoid certain routes and most of the path you wanted to take is either blocked or obstructed. Which is why, most often than not you're left with limited choice. You're considered lucky if you can at least even find one path that you would love to take out of these choices.

Sometimes you think the choices that you make will lead you to a better place but it is until you're finally at that place that you realize that it is not as great as you think it is and sometimes even worst. And you start to wonder what was it that makes you think that this place was so great. At this stage, it might be a little too late to start changing course. Don't we all wish that we can have a sneak preview of how our life would be like on the path that we want to take.

If only we can cheat in life.

Jo

Jo, the person I love the most and the person that hurt me the most. Never in my life have I love someone so intensely that every minute with him felt like I was standing at the edge of the cliff.

He made me human, he made me cry my eyes out, he changed me, he changed, he light up my life, he pierced my heart with a dagger, he gave me a reason to leave, he destroyed me, he was both, the angel and the devil. There were moments that I wish time would stop and there were moments that I wish my heart would stop.

I have said some really hurtful words that I don't mean to say but needed to be said. I have done some awful things that I don't want to do but needed to be done. One day, if you so happen to see this post, I hope you will be able to forgive me for not being able to be your friend. I don't think I'll ever be able to be because even your scent reminds me vividly of all the things that you have said to hurt me and all the things that you have done to tear me apart.

Our love was shrouded by anger, jealousy, possessiveness, disappointment and ego.

Our love was lacked of communication, compromise, patience, trust and understanding.

Our love was real and true.

Our love was painful and intense.

Our love is no longer we but you and I.

EGO kills

Sometimes you are who you are because of the surroundings you grew up in, the experience you had, the people you hang out with and your upbringing. It is the combination of these things that forms who you are. Here I am, on a journey to understand myself better, trying to search for the soul trapped in this human form. 

I realize that I have had very little emotions ever since I'm young. I smiled while telling people that both my parents are dead. I don't remember the feeling I had when I said that but I wonder how can a 4 year old girl says that and still be smiling. Up till today, the only aspect that is prominent enough in my life that makes me emotional is my 'EGO'. And it is killing me slowly.


Man serves as my ego booster. I have this tendency to make them want me and if they don't my world would be in turmoil. I'm constantly troubled by this. I have too much pride in myself. Relationship is like a game, and I will do whatever it takes to win it. Knowing the problem doesn't help when you do nothing to control it.

A prologue of a patient's life....

Over the years, I have built an army to defend myself. To add to that, I'm constantly protected by my armors of steel. This strong front has prevented many from coming close to me, only a favorite few were allowed into my castle. Outside these castle walls, stands a bunch of fools that is trying to deceive me of my treasure. A lucky few managed to make it in and walked out, leaving me disappointed. A few good men I let loose because of my own greed. Now I stand in the castle, alone and afraid, to open the gate again.

I should have behaved like a 12 year old when I was one. I should have cried, throw tantrums, ask millions and millions of questions but instead, I was exceptionally calm and I accepted it like a grown up. I still remember what I said then: "I've known that this was gonna happen since I'm 5".